Three Inns

A rare copy of the Magna Carta has been sold for £10.6m ($21.3m) in an auction at Sotheby’s in New York.

The copy dating from 1297, one of only 17 still in existence, was bought by US businessman David Rubenstein.

The Magna Carta was not confirmed as English law until the version sealed by Edward I in 1297.

David Redden, vice-chairman of Sotheby’s, described the Magna Carta as “the most important document in the world”.

“The 1297 Magna Carta became the operative version, the one that was entered into English common law and became the law of the land,” he said.

“The Magna Carta is the first rung on the ladder to freedom. This document symbolises mankind’s eternal quest for freedom.

“It is a talisman of liberty.”

Basic freedoms

The Magna Carta came into being as the result of a dispute between King John and English barons, and it went some way towards limiting the authority of the king.

The charter guaranteed basic freedoms and property rights to those considered “free men”.

Its most notable legacy in present-day English law is the principle of Habeas Corpus, which protects people against unlawful imprisonment.

Only four copies dating to the 1215 signing of the Magna Carta are believed to have survived, and all of them are in England.
- Source: BBC News, Dec. 19, 2007

Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship? Want to break up, but can’t face the music?

Then BreakUpEmail.com is for you. From the site’s FAQ page:

2. Can you give me advice on breaking up?
No. The only advice we have is to fill out the form, copy the generated text into an email, and click that send button. Any requests for additional advice will be completely ignored by us experts here at BreakUpEmail.com. We are only experts in break up emails, not any other kind of break ups.

3. Why should I dump him/her by email?
Three possibilities:
a) you are a pansy-assed scaredy-cat unwilling, or too afraid, to even dump him/her over the phone;
b) you are too lazy to leave your computer and tell him/her in person;
c) he/she deserves to be dumped by email.

Good grief.

BreakUpEmail.com

I truly enjoy practical jokes of all kinds, so this story appealed to me:

“Calling all Roys or Troys or Leroys,” began an ad posted to Craigslist in October. A photo of a heart-shaped tattoo with “Roy” inside accompanied the ad, which continued: “I was with a Roy before but it didna’t last as long as my tattoo. Getting the tattoo removed is not something I want to do, plus Ia’m so accustomed to bellowing it (Roy) out in bed.” The writer said she was seeking a new Roy, or anyone whose name could be inked around the word, Scrabble-style.

It was signed Dynah, but actually written by Johnna Gattinella, a 31-year-old writer in Santa Rosa, Calif. Ms. Gattinella is working on a book called “My Year on Craigslist” that will include her fake ads and the often earnest responses.

“A lot of men took the photo of the tattoo and put it in Photoshop and then altered it with their names or different variations and e-mailed it back,” said Ms. Gattinella, who hasna’t shopped the book to publishers yet.

The tattoo, by the way, is real, as is her husband, Roy.

Across the country, aspiring writers are using Craigslist not just as a place to offload their futons, but as a pixeled writing workshop where they test their stabs at social satire on some of the more than 30 million visitors that the site draws each month. Their personal ads ostensibly seek a soul mate, but what theya’re really looking for is an audience.

Some, like Ms. Gattinella, are working on a book, while others are just trying out material. Some find Internet fame when popular blogs link to the ads.

“One of the motives is they are trying to start something viral that takes off,” said Peggy Wang, an editor at Buzzfeed, a trend-tracking site that recently linked to several fake Craigslist ads.

Blog-worthy ads tend to fall into three categories: outlandish yet grounded by an internal logic and clearly true; probably fake, but funny; so absurd only a naif would believe them. The best fake-ad writers telegraph the parody but never wink.

Some ads defy forensics. In September, bloggers were agog over a New York Craigslist posting in which a 25-year-old woman who described herself as “spectacularly beautiful” sought a husband who earned at least $500,000 a year. The author, dubbed “the gold digger,” has never come forward.

Craigslist is “a fun place to look when you should be doing something else,” said Debbie Newman, an editor at the gossip blog Jossip who trawls Craigslist for offbeat ads. “If youa’re a talented writer and maybe a frustrated one working somewhere like a law firm that limits your day-to-day creativity, you take your opportunities where you can find them.”

Craigslist has advantages over other soapboxes. “You can set up your own blog, but people are not necessarily going to go there,” said Jim Buckmaster, the chief executive of Craigslist. “If you havena’t established an audience, you can do worse than Craigslist.”
- Source: Andrew Adam Newman, You Say Fake Ads, They Say Satire, New York Times, Nov. 15, 2007

So I wonder how many people are doing this? Also… how many ads that I replied to were fake? And what’s the funniest Craiglist ad you have read?

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language… until they tried to pronounce it.

To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised.

After trying them, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough –
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

- Author unknown

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me win aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew wont too pleas.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Aunt technology grand!

Raed Tihs

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are.

The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Punctuation Is More Important Than Spelling

Punctuation can make all the difference. Consider these two “Dear John” letters:

Version 1:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Version 2:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be
forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

1. NOT KISSING FIRST
   Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
   Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING
   You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREASTS
   Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Spice it up!
Chitika | Owna
5. BITING HER NIPPLES
   Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
   Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
   A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
   Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Condoms…
Chitika | Owna
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
   Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
    Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK
    Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
    Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

» Look inside…
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
    Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
    Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
    You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
    Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
    A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST
    When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD
    If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20. COMING TOO SOON
    Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

» Look inside…
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
    It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
    You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
    Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
    Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
    Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO
    Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
    In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
    Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
    This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

Tonight?
Chitika | Owna
30. TAKING PICTURES
    When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words”__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
    Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
    There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
    If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
    Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
35. GIVING LOVE BITES
    It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
    Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY
    It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
    You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39. SQUASHING HER
    Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER
    Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Note: Two kind people have pointed out that this story was written by Dave Barry, and is included in the equally hilarious, “Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.”

If you want to know the truth about communication between men and women, this will be an eye-opener:

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ”Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let’s see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means . . . lemme check the odometer … Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scum.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and … .

”Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

”What?” says Roger, startled.

”Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ”Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so . …. . ”

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

”What?” says Roger.

”I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. ”I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

”There’s no horse?” says Roger.

”You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

”No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

”It’s just that . . . It’s that I . . . I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

”Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

”Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

”What way?” says Roger.

”That way about time,” says Elaine.

”Oh,” says Roger. ”Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

”Thank you, Roger,” she says.

”Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of.

A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

‘Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

» Details…

 
Note: Two kind people have pointed out that this story was written by Dave Barry, and is included in the equally hilarious, “Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys.”

There also is a DVD version.

See also these additional Dave Barry items.

I think it is still not too late the get the The Classic Dave Barry 2007 Day-to-Day Calendar

We examine two “Dear John” letters …

Version 1:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Version 2:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria