Three Inns

Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship? Want to break up, but can’t face the music?

Then BreakUpEmail.com is for you. From the site’s FAQ page:

2. Can you give me advice on breaking up?
No. The only advice we have is to fill out the form, copy the generated text into an email, and click that send button. Any requests for additional advice will be completely ignored by us experts here at BreakUpEmail.com. We are only experts in break up emails, not any other kind of break ups.

3. Why should I dump him/her by email?
Three possibilities:
a) you are a pansy-assed scaredy-cat unwilling, or too afraid, to even dump him/her over the phone;
b) you are too lazy to leave your computer and tell him/her in person;
c) he/she deserves to be dumped by email.

Good grief.

BreakUpEmail.com

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language… until they tried to pronounce it.

To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised.

After trying them, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud.

Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough –
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

- Author unknown

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me win aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That’s why eye brake in two averse
Cuz eye dew wont too pleas.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Aunt technology grand!

Raed Tihs

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg:

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are.

The olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

Punctuation Is More Important Than Spelling

Punctuation can make all the difference. Consider these two “Dear John” letters:

Version 1:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Version 2:

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be
forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

1. NOT KISSING FIRST
   Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR
   Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3. NOT SHAVING
   You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
4. SQUEEZING HER BREASTS
   Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

Spice it up!
Chitika | Owna
5. BITING HER NIPPLES
   Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy isn’t.
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES
   Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY
   A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED
   Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

Condoms…
Chitika | Owna
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT
   Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS
    Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK
    Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY
    Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

» Look inside…
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY
    Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA
    Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt - so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY
    You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY
    Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons.
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST
    A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
18. GOING TOO FAST
    When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19. GOING TOO HARD
    If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20. COMING TOO SOON
    Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

» Look inside…
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH
    It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME
    You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask.
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY
    Don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN
    Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX
    Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what’s necessary.
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO
    Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES
    In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES
    Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
    This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

Tonight?
Chitika | Owna
30. TAKING PICTURES
    When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words”__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH
    Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS
    There is no less erotic noise. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES
    If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE
    Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don’t.
35. GIVING LOVE BITES
    It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
    Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.
37. TALKING DIRTY
    It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES
    You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.
39. SQUASHING HER
    Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40. THANKING HER
    Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.